Parenting Four Year Olds-Great Education Debate
4/07/2013 11:23:00 AM Posted by mommy2twincesses
Just to think that DH and I are now parenting four year
olds blows my mind. It seems like such a short time ago that I was happily
growing our identical baby girls inside me and here I sit now facing the fact
that they’re FOUR………..how did this happen?!
I’ve enjoyed them more than I could ever express with
simple words and up to this point each birthday has left me feeling energized
and like a conqueror, however, the 4th birthday was a bit of a
different story. At 4 years old, its official, they’re not “babies” anymore.
They’re, *gasp*, PRESCHOOLERS! Holy smokes! And again I shout, HOW DID THIS
HAPPEN?!
I’ve been so blessed to have been able to stay at home
with our little darlings this whole time and now suddenly that they’re FOUR I’m
having to face the music that school, of some sort, is right around the corner.
Yes, we’ve discussed school plans here and there and
thought we knew what we’d do, but now that the time is actually here, I’m sick
to my stomach, and we’re totally stumped! We live in an area of very limited
educational opportunities. We’re pretty much faced with entrusting the public school
system-of which ours fair “so-so” at best-or homeschooling, and just thinking
about that scares the jeepers out of me! The closest private option is an hour’s
drive away and tuition is sky high, so that’s not an ideal solution either. Can
you say “major case of heartburn” brewing?!
At four years old the girls could start pre-kindergarten
at the public school just blocks from our house. Registration is only about a
month away and I have no clue what to do!
One side of my brain is saying, “hold to your babies as
long as you can, they’ll have to start next year-in some form or another” but
the other side says, “send them to school-they’ll enjoy it, you’ll have time to
reclaim your sanity after 4 years at home with two little ones”, so what is a
body to do?!
I’m in serious need of counseling here! Opinions?! I need
to hear both sides, the “keep them at homes” and the “send them to schools”……….please,
help a sister out!
Disciplining Children-Why Bother
6/27/2012 01:42:00 PM Posted by mommy2twincesses
While I’m still on my “child discipline” soapbox I figured I may as well finish what I started, so here it goes.
In my last post on disciplining children I told you about the Facebook incident that sparked this very conversation. I gave a brief rundown of the discipline methods we use and hopefully some of you will stop by there and share what works for you as well. And because I just can’t get the subject off my mind, I’ll continue with my views here. Please save all stones until the end ;)
In case you missed it, I shared a behavior we’d been struggling with, how I was handling it, and asked for further suggestions. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shocked that the majority of my readers agreed that I should simply ignore the behavior (which was swearing by the way). Really? Ignore my 3 year olds dropping curse words? Not in this lifetime, not in this family!
I’m all for ignoring some things, picking my battles, and all that jazz, but in my humble opinion it is simply unacceptable for a child to use swear words. (And if you don’t have a problem with your child swearing, then by no means do I intend to put down your parenting, this is just the subject on which the topic started so choose something you feel strongly about and think about it in those terms!)
Ignoring worked well for nose picking, tantrums, and minor “every child does that at some point” misdemeanors, but I won’t even entertain the idea of ignoring something as repulsive as swearing like a sailor.
All of these kinds of responses, as well as the overall drastic change of environment in classroom settings, and civility in general, has me thinking, “Is this what’s wrong with “kids today”? Is this why we can’t visit public spaces without my children being hit or pushed? Is this “the problem with the world today”?”
Disciplining children is difficult. It’s a hassle and a headache and is just plain no fun, but the bottom line is “someone’s got to do it or we’re all going to hell in a hand basket”. Our world, our lives in general depend a great deal on knowing boundaries. The thought of parenting with the general philosophy of “ignore” or “solely focus on the positive” concerns me a great deal. (I should note that I’m in NO way suggesting that the lovely ladies that commented on this topic meant that they SOLELY ignore or whatnot, the overwhelming consensus in general, got me thinking-that’s all.)
It is said that “change is good”, but I’m not seeing a whole lot of “good” coming out of the newer parenting philosophies. When I was growing up I knew without a doubt what was allowed, what wasn’t, and what would happen if I tested the waters too far. I knew that there were different rules at home and in public, and that acting like a crazy person in public was a sure fire way to get my backside lit up.
Someone posted a lengthy quote from Dr. Dorothy Law Nolte and in it she talks about children learning what they live with. I fully agree with what she had to say and added my own: “If children live with parents who ignore all wrong they do, they’ll learn they’re never wrong and can act any way they wish.”
The media smears parents, weekly it seems, for crossing the lines of appropriate discipline and I believe that scares some into thinking that it’s better to just skip discipline altogether. In contrast I think it would be doing the world a much bigger favor if they would smear the parents who do their children the injustice of NOT disciplining them when needed.
Yes, you heard me right! Instead of publicly humiliating mothers who use child harnesses to TRY and control their children, why don’t they showcase the one who shops leisurely while her little “angel” dismantles racks of clothing or runs amok through the store?!
It is my honest opinion that more people “abuse” their children by pure lack of discipline than those who “abuse” through discipline. Not teaching a child social norms is neglect and therefore abuse, in my opinion. Very little to no discipline is setting your child up for failure and will undoubtedly cause you both more grief and heartache in the long run than fighting a couple of relatively simple battles while they’re still young.
There is no definite “right or wrong”, “black or white”, “this way or that” that will apply in every situation. The rules will be different in every household, but every household should have rules and breaking said rules should lead to consequence.
What is your take on discipline? Do you think that the shift in parenting away from traditional forms of discipline is affecting our society?
Disciplining Children is Not a One Size Fits All Subject
6/27/2012 12:21:00 PM Posted by mommy2twincesses
Recently on my Facebook Fan Page there was a bit of heat stemming from the “Hot Topic” of discipline. (If you’ve not found me there yet, please do @ https://www.facebook.com/#!/mommy2twincesses) I was honestly shocked at some people’s opinions of discipline.
I am fully aware that my opinions on the matter are not the popular ones, so I’m just throwing that out there on the front end.
First of all, as the title of this post states, there isn’t a magic “one size fits all” approach that is going to work for all children and all families. Like with most matters of parenting, finding the perfect fit in terms of discipline is trial and error and needs to be tweaked from time to time to remain effective.
Redirection
In our house, discipline started from the very beginning when the girls could do simple things like pull hair or pinch. They were so young that they didn’t really understand what they were doing, but that didn’t mean that we just let them hurt us or others, discipline began. We would do things such as pry their fingers away from whatever they were hurting and redirect them by giving another object to grasp, such as a blanket or toy. So, I guess you could say that the first “tool” in our “discipline belt” was redirection.
Distraction
With age comes all sorts of new abilities and therefore, new ways and things to discover. When they were mobile and were drawn to things that could potentially hurt them, such as the fireplace, we began incorporating distractions into our discipline repertoire. We would be clear and concise about what the wrong behavior was (going near the fireplace for example) and offer a distraction (come to mommy/a toy/or different room instead).
Subtraction
Still, when the girls were a bit older and clearly testing limits, we began to also incorporate the discipline of subtraction. If there was a particular item that was causing an unacceptable behavior, we would simply take that item out of the equation. For instance, after an object had been intentionally dropped for the 12th time (no, we didn’t actually set a number limit, just whenever the game got unbearable and we had given clear warning) it was put away. The same thing happens when an object is being used inappropriately (think hitting with toys or crayons in the mouth). The action is corrected a number of times, a final warning is given, and then the object is taken away, or subtracted from the equation. This is a great method that we still use almost on a daily basis and our girls are 3 years old.
Time Out
When the cords of your sanity are wearing thin and you’ve tried everything else I’ve mentioned so far, it may be time to try a good old fashioned “time out”. Time outs are tried and true, and often times very effective. Separating the child from whatever it is that is causing you stress offers several positive outcomes. First, it signals to the child that you mean business. It gives them the chance to slow down and think about what it is they’re doing, that it produces a negative reaction from their caregiver, and also allows them to calm down. Many times after just a short (1 to 2 minutes-time depending on age and of course escalating with age and/or offense) time out the child will get up and have literally forgotten about whatever it was getting them into trouble and just move on to other activities.
Time outs can occur anytime, anywhere, and simply mean removing a child from a situation and placing them in an environment more calming. I’ve found it to be effective at home to have a designated place for them to spend their time out, for us it’s in a chair by the front door if they’re quiet or in their bed if they’re crying or whining. When we’re out and about and I need to remove them from a situation we “go to the bathroom”. Often times they regroup just on the walk to the loo and then once inside I can look them in the eye and talk calmly but very firmly about whatever infraction was taking place, and our problem is solved.
Spats/Spanks
Here’s where my personal beliefs usually leave others gape mouthed. When all other methods of discipline have failed to correct a behavior that is dangerous to themselves or others I will spat/spank my children.
At very young ages (1-2 years old) I have found that a firm, yet gentle, spat on the hand will work wonders. Most parenting information outlets discourage this greatly by claiming that it teaches children violence and to hit, but I personally think that’s a bunch of hooey. As long as it’s clear to the child that they are being spatted/spanked as discipline to stop or correct a behavior I believe that its highly effective and not in the least confusing.
A perfect example of when I’ve used this form of discipline is when my children tried touching candles or other sources of fire. After being redirected, distracted, subtracted, and parked beside me (time out implemented), when they continued to reach for flames I lightly smacked the hand that was causing the infraction (and possible harm to my child). Upon receiving the spat on the hand the usual result was: the child yanking the hand away and gazing at me. I would again affirm that fire is hot and would hurt/burn them and that’s much worse than a simple spat from me. 99.9% of the time the problem was solved and the message would finally sink in.
Now that my girls are older, 3 years old, they occasionally receive spankings, or firm yet not painful spanks or swats on the bottom (although there is an “s” on the words, at this point one spank/swat is effective for us). This is always a last ditch effort to correct a behavior and is almost always reserved for possibly dangerous situations (venturing into the street, climbing furniture, etc.). They know that when they get a “spank” as we call it, that I absolutely mean that whatever was being done is over and that it’s final. It hurts their feelings much more than it does their behinds, but I’m positive my message of “no” is made clear.
After a “spank” and after the girls calm themselves, I show them affection, tell them I love them, and again reaffirm that because I love them whatever behavior got them in that situation was absolutely under no circumstances ever allowed and will result in a spank from here on out. I know things are different with different children, but my children respond to and understand the principle.
Other Methods
When I don’t feel that a spat/spank is appropriate, but all other methods of discipline have been implemented to no avail, I have to get creative. I try to tie my discipline methods as closely as possible to the infraction to keep confusion to a minimum, as well as in hopes of retaining effectiveness.
For example, we have several mottos in our family and one of my favorites is “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit”. This is a miracle worker in public settings because I can remind them of this, they can repeat it with me, and if they’re still dissatisfied they simply lose whatever treat it was and will not get another. If taking something away prompts more misbehavior we move directly and swiftly to the restroom for a “time out” of sorts, or if possible (which it’s not very often) we’ll just leave immediately.
Another example (and this is the one that caused such outrage on my Facebook page) is “washing their mouth out” when they say naughty words that are not allowed. After trying everything I could possibly imagine and my daughter still dropping curse words, I finally took her into the bathroom, requested that she stick out her tongue, and I ran a bar of regular bath soap over it to “clean the dirty words out”. It was simple, she understood the concept of “cleaning out her dirty mouth”, and it hasn’t happened since. Though I was called an “abuser” for this, I do not feel guilt nor regret for using this as punishment. At 3 years old, the typical child puts far worse things in their mouths than bath soap, each and every day, and it caused her no harm-as I knew it wouldn’t. In fact, it was effective enough that I’ve heard her tell an adult that used the inappropriate word that got her into trouble that they needed their “mouth washed out” ;o) Can’t say I disagree! LOL
Conclusion
To wrap up this terribly long winded post (my apologies), discipline is not something that can be implemented in the exact same way for every child in every situation. To see what is effective, you’ll have to try some different things and use the strategies that best reach your child where he/she is.
What are your views on this subject? What methods work best for you and what age(s) are you parenting?
What are your views on this subject? What methods work best for you and what age(s) are you parenting?
